Everybody Likes To Sniff Someth’n!
sniff the flowers – sniff butt – sniff coke – sniff a fart
Now speak’n a animals, I’m a dog lover… sometimes a little more then one should be… but that’s my dirty little secret and you ain’t eva gonna know about. Anyhow, after spend’n lot’s a time with the dogs I made a real keen observation…. these K9’s a mine are sniff’n machines. They run they snout up and down everything they encounter. They sniff shit, they sniff each other, they sniff me… and well, I sniff’em back… seems all they do is sniff. Being the animal lover that I am I figured I would make them a custom doggy t-shirt that humans could enjoy too.
I done did a lot a sniff’n in my day I thought it appropriate to give ya’ll some sniff’n 101. So hang on a minute, this gonna be fun.
Sniff’n For Beginners – The 5 Sniffs:
Now, depend’n on what you sniff’n you may need to be secretive about it. I was at the laundry mat and pulled a pair undies outta the neighbor’n dryer. It didn’t look real suspicious or noth’n I was just do’n my monthly laundry. But I done seen this southern bell put her panties in the dryer and she walked out the door, and if you know me… then you that when opportunity knocks… I open the dryer door. I swiped those suckers hope’n to catch a sniff a some discharge remnants but they was already clean damnit. So my lesson in this 101 on public panty sniff’n is that you gotta get ya hands on em before they get washed.
2. Sniff’n Your Own Farts:
K. so here’s another jewel a knowledge for ya’ll. You ever pass gas in public, then stick around sniff’n the air to see if it’s a good one? Well, I’m speak’n from experience when I say this… don’t do it! I was in line at the local buffet get’n ready to eat some biscuits and gravy when I felt a gas bubble poke’n at my back door. I started to sweat a little as I tried to hold it in, so I had to let her rip. As I sat there plate’n my biscuits I raised my snout in the air and gave’er a few quick sniffs…. yup, it was a stinker. The problem I had was that the people behind me gave me troubles, called me rude, called me a pig, and I hadn’t even ladled the gravy on my biscuits yet. Now, had I passed gas and moved through the line with a sense of purpose, nobody woulda known better. But there I was sniff’n my fart for everyone to see… and they called me out on it. My fart sniff’n 101 for you is, don’t stick around for the sniff…. move on when you in public.
3. The Shoe Store Sniff:
Now, I ain’t one with a foot fetish or nothing perverted like that. I’m a pretty normal guy when it comes to my sniff’n preferences and all. But I got this little technique I’ll share in sniff’n 101 called the Shoe Store Sniff…. or sometimes I like to call it the 3S technique. Now if you like me you only by 1 pair a shoes a year, but I try shoes on every week. See, no need for me to go spend’n money I an’t got…. but I’ll try’em on all day. The 3S technique is covert operation, some real navy seal shit if ya know what I mean. Here’s how it works. You go into your local shoe store to try on a new pair a shit kickers, now it’s normal behavior when you’re try’n on shoes to squat down and adjust’em… or maybe even tie’em if you wear laced sneakers. Now the trick here is you gotta find a purdy one shop’n for shoes, casually and incompiscuisly squat down near her while she is try’n her shoes on. At that time, and it’s a very brief moment you have… you can catch a sniff of her smell wafting in the air as she lifts her legs to try her shoes on. Now round here, you wanna be careful cause the girls here ain’t much into bath’n often. But in them fancy parts a town over there by the reservation, them females shower daily… and you can grab yourself a good sniff using the 3s technique. This here my best technique, never been slapped, I always get a good sniff, and it’s fun acting like a nave seal. My sniff’n 101 advice for ya here is visit the show store more often.
4. The One Handed Sniff:
Not sure what I like sniff’n better, butt, or blow. One things for sure, I don’t like set’n my beer down around my nieces and nephews. Them little varmints are beer swipe’n sclundrals. I can only imagine how bad they gonna be after they graduate elementary school. Anyhow, during the holiday season I like to grab me a little bag a blow to sniff, some of that Pablo Escobar. The problem is that my brothers wife, who also happens to be me sister… don’t like me do’n it round the kids. So I started take’n trips into the back room to blow me some lines, but them brats would follow me back there and swipe my beer can while I was rail’n out. So I came up with a solution called The One Handed Sniff. What happens is, you hold your beer in your left hand and your dollar roll in the other. You pinch the dollar roll between your booger finger, and your thumb finger, and close the opposite nostril with your flip-off finger. This technique takes practice, but it’s well worth it once you learn the proper execution of it cause you can hold yur beer, and blow a line at the same time. And that’s the 101 on the one handed sniff.
5. The Cautious Sniff:
Now I wish I could say I was speak’n outta experience on this one but I can’t. See, I ain’t really eva had foreplay. The longest relationship I eva had only lasted as long as the roofie did. But back to the 101 lesson I got’s for ya here. This is cautious sniff, this is the kind a sniff’n you do when you investigate’n your partner. Both girls and boys can do it, my guess is though that more boys do it then girls. Anyhow, when the foreplay action begins I recommend to all my students that they kiss down the body as if they was set’n up for some oral satisfaction. Now, here’s where it can get tricky…. you might wonder down there, take a sniff, and find out you ain’t want noth’n to do with that thing down there…. and ya sure as hell don’t wanna french kiss it. So ya gotta work ya way back up the body as not to offend, cause you may still want to rub ya privates together. See this is a cautious tale, and a cautious sniff… you don’t want to offend ya partner, and loose out on the chance of intercourse, but you also want to check for odor… so you know what you get’n into. Me, I admit, I like it a little ripe… something that fouls up my nasal passages but that’s just preference. The point of this 101 lessons is to sniff with caution.
So join us friend, if you sniff stuff buy our shirt and support the unstable insanity that is Angst Apparel.
We hope you rock your sniff shirt in public, get some pics and submit so we can share on our social media.